I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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