and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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