Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
