Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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