I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
