Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
