did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
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the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
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After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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