the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
