I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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