i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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