do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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