so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
