Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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