We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
