There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
either way he was missing a nipple.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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