Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
