how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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