Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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