I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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