apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
