we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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