he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
