Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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