i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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