I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
