i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
