cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
