I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
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I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
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the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize