I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
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