I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
