where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
