Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
