He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i just had sex bonerless
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
