her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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