i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
