Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
