I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
