I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
True but thats because hes a fetus.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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