U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
