I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
