This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
