this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
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ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
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He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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