Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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