i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
