Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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