how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
