i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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