It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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