I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
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The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
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I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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