thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
