you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
