Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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