I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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