Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
