I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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