we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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