How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
