Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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