I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
