No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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